Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
