All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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