my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
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