the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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