You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
