Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
