i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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