Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
