I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
