she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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