I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
