I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
