how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm like, not good at living.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
