shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
