Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
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