my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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