I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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