i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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