He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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