people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
