so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
