exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
