I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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