i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
