I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
