I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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