my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
