laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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