your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
