Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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