guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
no you cant smoke seaweed
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
