We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
