I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
