Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
