if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Randomize
