You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
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