I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
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