I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
