what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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