I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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