i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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