Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
