Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
