I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
