I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
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