all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
