Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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