I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Randomize
