Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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