he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
