So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Randomize
