I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
