I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
