At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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