I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
