Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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