On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
