Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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