Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
