i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
