There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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