theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We're not piercing ourselves today.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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