i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
this beer tastes like vomit already
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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