she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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