if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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