Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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