i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
